The New York Times ran a big long article today on how advertisers are turning more and more to sports radio for the male demographic — from pimple popping teens to gum licking geezers. Men, it seems, are hardwired to want to listen to sports jocks talk about golf scores, MLB bull pens, polo ponies (oh go on, you men know you want to own one and name it Sparky), and soccer wingers. Not to be confused with Buffalo Wild Wingers, which are delicious.
Of course, this puts some of us men at a distinct disadvantage. I’m referring to those of us who find sports, all sports, dreadfully boring and irrelevant. We can’t really tell anybody about our ennui when it comes to punting, putting, pitching, and pole vaulting — we would be run out of the Man Club and have to spend the rest of our lives hunting for doilies in the Amazon basin.
So for those who want to fit in, here are the standard male replies to any sports question or comment:
“He don’t know the difference between a jock strap and a defibrillator!”
“Are we gonna talk, or are we gonna drink beer here?”
“The other team got lucky.”
Or, when all else fails, just grunt and scratch yourself. That’s about all sports jocks do on the air anyways.