We don’t know how we missed it, but somehow we did — Men’s Fashion Week has already come and gone in Paris. We apologize for this tremendous blunder, and promise it will never happen again. We’ve already disciplined our appointment setter by making him sit in the corner with nothing but a locked BlackBerry. And our travel agent is now doing penance in a hut just outside of Bruneau Dunes State Park in Idaho. That’ll teach ’em.
After gazing raptly at photos from the Men’s Fashion Show, it is apparent that a revolution is happening for men’s footwear. The shoes on the runway were more sophisticated, yet of a bespoke duality. Celine’s is still refusing to do men’s street wear and continues to be a minimal branding experience. Statement-making initiatives are what’s happening to men’s clothing in 2018, according to Riccardo Tisci of Burberry’s. And who can doubt it, looking at the prehensile hoodies and off-white uber shop for men at Bon Marche?
The sneaker cult continues to grow like a fungal infection (but in a positive way.) Master splicer designer for men’s shoes Chitose Abe has worked her magic once again on pale green Nike sneakers with double tongues, triple shoe laces, and quadruple swooshes. It boggles not only the mind but the doppelganger.
And if anyone out there knows what all the above gobbledygook actually means, please email us immediately. We’d really like to know . . .
If you already think you know what kind of men women want to date, you are probably all wrong. A new psychology study in the British Journal of Psychology says that women are mostly turned off by men who are perceived as too smart or too laid back. Such men find it harder than most to get a date on a regular basis. Just in case you smoke: A lot of women are seriously turned off by smoking. If you cannot quit outright, consider vaping. You can pick a vape that is coffee flavoured or anything else that will make you smell better. A great first stop for this is the website Smoking Things.
The study is based on surveys from 214 Australian college students — 70 percent of them female, and only 30 percent male. The survey asked about personality preferences and physical appearance. But apparently nothing was asked about the use of the word “crikey” when a common death adder is discovered in one’s daks, or why nobody seems disappointed that kangaroo steaks don’t jump around in a comic manner after they’re grilled.
But perhaps the biggest question mark about this whole dating study is why it was even posted under ‘Science’ on several prominent news aggregators. The day the rest of the world starts taking relationship cues from Australian college students is the day we all start guzzling Fosters and wearing bikinis in December. While nobody is saying they’re anything but amiable for the most part, there’s no denying that the unwritten rules of coolness bar any trends being exported from Australia. That’s just the way it is, mate.
The Omaha World Herald ran a disturbing piece last month about updating the man cave. The author’s suggestions were rather harmless and cliched, but certainly not threatening. No, what raised the male hackles about the piece was when a prominent Seattle architect, a male architect, mind you, was quoted as saying that the reason the man cave is still so popular is that women in the home have decided to endorse and embrace it.
Now just a minute. Hold your horses. Put on the brakes. Since when do women have any say-so about any man cave anywhere on the planet? No offense meant to the female of the species, but a man cave neither seeks for nor cares about the endorsement of anybody — male, female, or rutabaga. It is designed, if that’s not too strong a word for the comfortable disarray a man cave possesses, for a man and his companions to inhabit for the sole purpose of wasting time — dozing over a televised golf tournament; counting bottle capes; microwaving and consuming an unhealthy amount of jalapeno poppers; and using needle nosed pliers to extract extraneous ear wax.
The minute a man cave receives the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval it ceases to be a man cave and becomes a den or study — a place where anybody can just waltz in whenever they feel like it. A place where a man might feel uncertain about displaying his collection of beaker bongs and dogs playing poker artwork. The man cave, by its very definition, is politically incorrect and disapproved of by every woman in the house. Otherwise, what’s the fun in having one?
Well, the Huffington Post is at it again: they have just posted an opinion piece on Football, written by Jessica Luther, who hosts a feminist sports podcast called — I kid you not — “Burn It All Down.”
Her Huff Po piece is called “Football Won’t Turn Boys Into Men.” Just exactly what it WILL turn them into is never stated in her article, but the subtext is not reassuring. She pooh-poohs the idea that football will make boys tough, or that toughness is something at all desirable for men anyways. She points out, with ghoulish relish, that what football might do to the average barefoot boy with cheeks of tan is give him Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy from repeated head trauma, even with a sturdy helmet in place.
Luther calls American football, not to be confused with Futbol, which is what they play South of the Border (or is it now South of the Wall?) both toxic and deadly. Tens of thousands of men who played American futbol — uh, I mean football — as boys will probably want to disagree, with a very high decibel level, about that.
And who can blame them? A high school football game on a crisp autumn night is one of the few pure and simple delights left to Americans. Countless movies and TV shows have celebrated it. The Super Bowl has deified it. Take away football from the American male and what do you have? A European, that’s what!
The website Green News recently ran an article urging men to consider the benefits of a vegan lifestyle. The author, one Charline Fernandez, laments the fact that in the United States 80 percent of all vegans are women. She pleads with the male American citizen to give up his bratwurst, steak, and pork chops for the delights of cottage cheese over shredded lettuce and quinoa jazzed up with tofu.
She quotes another vegan, a man, Alex Lockwood, as saying men are trapped by the stereotype of manly mass consumption of beef, pork, and chicken as an expected way of life — thus leading to more green house gas (since cattle are one of the main culprits when it comes to releasing methane gas into the air) and heart disease.
Ms Fernandez is hoping that the younger male generation will not be trapped by gender stereotypes and that they will start to revel in chug-a-lugging carrot juice and munching on lentil-based chips.
The American Meat Council, of course, is letting no grass grow under their feet, or hoofs, from this increasing challenge from vegans. In supermarkets across the land they are working hand in glove with butchers to offer a Two For The Price Of One sale on roasts and chops of all kinds. This means that while a one pound bag of quinoa costs up to ten dollars, ten pounds of rump roast may cost just five bucks. You do the math, Charline . . .
The media is chock-a-block with male bonding and man tripping. Just this week the Orlando Sentinel ran a luscious piece on man tripping down in Cabo San Lucas on the tip of the Baja Peninsula. The photographs of rugged men with their shirts open to the breeze, exposing chest hair that would need a machete to tame, riding in dune buggies and bonding around a driftwood fire on the beach, fill the rest of us males with unrequited shame.
But, after all, some of us men have jobs and families and Starbucks tabs to take care of, and can’t just fly off to the ends of the earth with our George Clooney clones for a zombie-fighting, bikini chasing, Harley Davidson, chili cooking extravaganza at the drop of a hat.
So here are some more realistic man trips, for the average nine-to-five Joe:
- 7-11 marathon. See how many convenience store hot dogs you and your buddies can consume before heading to the ER.
- Flattening bottle caps on railroad tracks. This activity is strictly for the bad boy crowd — of which you are certainly a member. Watch out for the yard bulls, or the ghost of Casey Jones!
- Barbershop quartet. What, you think four men singing in close harmony is too tame? Just try it . . . while riding on electric scooters in a No Scooter Zone! You’ll be on the lam from the law in no time, having all sorts of buddy adventures.
Men are that way because they want to be.
Also because women don’t want them to be that way.
And finally because nobody in their right mind would really claim to know what ‘that way’ actually means.
Every time there is a new sex scandal in the news, from Washington or from the Catholic Church in Pennsylvania, or from Hollywood, both men and women sadly shake their heads to sadly admit that, sadly, “Men are that way.”
And sadly, we all seem to accept that vague and uninformative phrase as the ultimate, searing truth about men.
But what if there were an alternative universe where men were never ‘that way,’ but instead ‘this way?’ This way being charming, intelligent, considerate, with no facial hair or preoccupation with female anatomy or desire to gather in masses for sports events while their families stay at home neglected and miserable.
Didn’t Einstein posit such a dimension in one of his quirky little equations? In fact, what kind of man was Einstein? Was he ‘that way’ too? Well, since he was a bona fide genius he was neither ‘that way’ or ‘this way’ but just went his own way, and to heck with anybody else.
And that is probably the way men should behave, the Einstein way. He never got into trouble over women or money or power or even a parking ticket. If men had his hair, they, too, could be any way they wanted. As long as they invented the atomic bomb or something else as useful.
Men don’t get made up unless they’re circus clowns, right? Better think again. The French makeup and perfume monolith Chanel just announced they are bringing out a line of makeup specifically for men. The fashion formers in Paris say they are just going along with the latest trends in the changing concept of masculinity. The bewhiskered, cigar-chomping, plain-faced brute is losing his appeal — going out with the passenger pigeon and the dodo. Instead, a gentler, milder, more caring and clean-faced gentlemen is gaining ground on all fronts. One who is not ashamed to highlight his natural beauty with a little discreet help from a jar or pencil.
So, at least, Chanel wants us to believe as they peddle their new line of creams and other gewgaws for men.
This new line of masculine makeup will make a soft debut in South Korea in October this year, and then go world-wide in November. Just in time to bat your eyelids at the table while carving the roast turkey.
The brand is being called ‘Boy de Chanel.’ The products include:
- A foundation paste that comes in several pastel shades, meant to hide facial blemishes of all kinds — but probably not tattoos.
- A tinted lip balm, to keep lips moist and colorful.
- And an eyebrow pencil to touch up those bushy caterpillars above your eyeballs — in black, brown, ochre, and gray. Excuse me while I run away and join the circus . . .
The website ‘LiveScience’ has a provocative article today on why men lose weight faster than women. A recent research study with two-thousand adults in Australia and New Zealand demonstrated that when men and women go on crash diets together, the men lose weight faster than their female counterparts.
Don’t shoot the messenger, ladies! I’m just reporting the facts. The researchers say that since men have higher metabolic rates than women they will automatically lose more weight than a woman during the same time frame. The good news for women is that when they do start catching up with men in the weight loss race, they tend to lose more of it around their hips than men do. That would explain all those chunky waddling men down at Weight Watchers. They’re not called hipsters for nothin’.
If you read between the lines, however, the report suggests some other reasons men lose weight faster than women:
- Men move more furniture, more often, than women. A woman may move a rug once a year, but most men move grand pianos and cast iron flower pots every other day. At the request of women.
- Men don’t believe in the existence of calories to begin with. So they have no effect on them.
- Men put so much hot sauce on everything that melted fat oozes through their pores like water from a sponge.
- And men just lie more than women.
The New York Times ran a big long article today on how advertisers are turning more and more to sports radio for the male demographic — from pimple popping teens to gum licking geezers. Men, it seems, are hardwired to want to listen to sports jocks talk about golf scores, MLB bull pens, polo ponies (oh go on, you men know you want to own one and name it Sparky), and soccer wingers. Not to be confused with Buffalo Wild Wingers, which are delicious.
Of course, this puts some of us men at a distinct disadvantage. I’m referring to those of us who find sports, all sports, dreadfully boring and irrelevant. We can’t really tell anybody about our ennui when it comes to punting, putting, pitching, and pole vaulting — we would be run out of the Man Club and have to spend the rest of our lives hunting for doilies in the Amazon basin.
So for those who want to fit in, here are the standard male replies to any sports question or comment:
“He don’t know the difference between a jock strap and a defibrillator!”
“Are we gonna talk, or are we gonna drink beer here?”
“The other team got lucky.”
Or, when all else fails, just grunt and scratch yourself. That’s about all sports jocks do on the air anyways.